


Opening act by Remy Hodthev em Siuwensin

by bissonomy (Macdicilla)



Category: Hainish Cycle - Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin
Genre: AU where Churten isn't a metaphor for Narrative and just literally gets you places just fine, Cetian folk-pop is better than the ansible you heard it here first, Gen, Gethenian Twitter what a concept, Interplanetary tour, Niche standup comedy, Terra has done nothing for the Ekumen except ginger ale, extremely casual speech patterns, i don't even know what genre this is, jokes at the expense of furries, recontextualized quotes, speculative fiction?, they/them gethenians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 19:50:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21258713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macdicilla/pseuds/bissonomy
Summary: So, no. You will never get me on a nearly-as-fast-as-light ship. Because, conceptually, right? Conceptually, it is SO upsetting. Not time dilation. I’m not talking about time dilation. I’m talking about the fact that it goes sooo fast. I think nothing should go that fucking fast. And I’m a bit of a speed demon where I’m from! I got a ticket on the—one of the big truck roads, in Karhide, yeah? I guess what you’d call a highway? I got a ticket on the highway once. Twenty miles over the speed limit. (whistles) Fifty miles an hour. That wasn’t the speed limit, that’s how fast I was going. Real fast.(Crowd laughs)Oh, so you’re perverts AND insane? Cool.





	Opening act by Remy Hodthev em Siuwensin

(INTERIOR. A performer walks onto a stage. They’re about 5’4 and wearing a hawaiian shirt. They do not have a discernible gender, or an indiscernible gender for that matter. They’re from the ice planet Gethen. As in, Geth used to it.)

Good evening, Ollul! 

Great to see you all here today. Thank you for coming. I thought I was gonna be late today because I had to run out to the shops and get new clothes. Yeah, they said it was currently winter here so I packed, like, cold-weather clothes and then I get here and it’s like (directly into microphone) you call _ this _ winter? I’m in short sleeves and I am still sweating a whole goddamn river. Like, (makes a woosh sound right into the microphone.)

Plus the stage lights. Hey_, fuck _ the stage lights.

My stage manager, Molly, tells me that this is what you’d call a “dad shirt” on Terra? After some research, I found out that this little design here is what they call a _ pineapple_. I still have no idea which of these flowers is a dad.

(laughter)

Thank you.

Wow, you guys actually set the mic to a decent height this time. Thanks, Ollul! You know, this is the _ first _ planet on my tour besides Forest where the mic’s been at a good height for me. I am still going to take it and walk around with it, though, because this isn’t a _ choir recital_. 

Unfortunately, this means I have to cut all my self-deprecating manlet jokes. No, just kidding, I don’t have those. For two reasons. One, I am not a man.

Two, much more importantly, I’m actually, like, _ quite _ tall.

(laughter)

Oi, perverts, that wasn’t a joke.

(quiet)

No, it’s fine.

(laughter again)

No, but actually. Yeah, I’m the tallest person in my family. I’m the tallest of three siblings—_and_ the youngest, a fact which they_ hate, _and I_ love—_and I’m taller than our parent, and I’m taller than our grandparent, though that last one isn’t very tricky because grandparents are like, little. This is a constant across all the known worlds.

But yeah, back home it was always like:

(doing an older relative voice)

“Oh, Remy, can you help us change this lightbulb?”

“Remy, dear, can you help get this can down from the pantry?”

And, on one memorable occasion,

“REMY HODTHEV EM SIUWENSIN, GET DOWN FROM THE _ FUCKING _ ROOF.”

And then I DID and I did a SWEET FLIP and I broke my ARM. It was AWESOME.

Yeah, so my name is Remy, and my—what, my aunt? Uncle? You guys don’t have like, a normal word for a parent’s sibling out here, huh?—anyway they have a theory about _ why _ my parent named me Remy. So their theory is that it’s because “Remy” sounds like “rem ir” which is like. It’s kind of a posh thing to have between your surname and your landname. I guess it’s like, think of like, Terran “von.” We’re not posh, so it’s “Hodthev _ em _ Siuwensin” instead of (obnoxious nasal affected voice) “Hodthev rrrem irrrr” (normal voice) “Siuwensin.” I say Siuwensin in a normal voice ‘cause you can’t say “Siuwensin” in a fancypants voice; It’s just not one of those towns! You know? There’s towns like that all over the galaxy, towns where there’s as many tractors as people. If not more! If not more...

Anyway so like my uncle-aunt-person thinks my parent really went and named me “rem ir.” And I disagree! I think they’re just saying that to annoy my parent, in a playful siblingly way. But then again...then again... my oldest sibling is out there with a name, or at least a nickname that's practically a name, that’s the equivalent of—(into the mic) _you don’t have normal words_— “kingie” or “queenie” so like, hmm! Hmm. _ Maybe _ it checks out. I don’t know. Maybe? Doesn’t explain why our middle sibling is called Math, but the other two data points do line up. Partial funding for your study, aunt-uncle Karth.

Anyway, Siuwensin. Oh, Siuwensin. You know, it was a war zone five hundred years ago. But due to the effects of nearly-as-fast-as-light-speed travel, (dramatically) for me, it was just yesterday…

No, just kidding, it was five hundred years ago for me too. 

I love you, Ollul, but I don’t love you _ that _much. I’m gonna keep all the years of my life the same length, thanks.

So, no. You will _ never _ get me on a nearly-as-fast-as-light ship. Because, conceptually, right? Conceptually, it is SO upsetting. Not time dilation. I’m not talking about time dilation. I’m talking about the fact that it goes _ sooo _ fast. I think nothing should _go_ that fucking fast. And I’m a bit of a speed demon where I’m from! I got a ticket on the—one of the big truck roads, in Karhide, yeah? I guess what you’d call a highway? I got a ticket on the highway once. Twenty miles over the speed limit. (whistles) Fifty miles an hour. That wasn’t the speed limit, that’s how fast I was going. _ Real fast. _

(Crowd laughs)

_ Oh, so you’re insane? Cool. _

Yeah and then when I was on Urras, I got on one of their trains, you know, those magnetic trains? Really cool, right? And then it started going at _ four hundred miles an hour_. And I’m proud to say... I did not cry... any more than a little bit.

So, no, no near-lightspeed for me. Also, if you think about it, time dilation would make all my material out of date, and we can’t have that. I can’t roll up and do a show specifically targeted at the over-eighties crowd. I think it would be like, really mean, to joke about things they’re familiar with... but not have any relatable bits about back pain.

(Laughs mixed with groans)

Sorry, sorry! Geeze, I didn’t know there were so many old people here. 

Yeah, so how I got here is this: I churtened here. Churten’s _ great_. Best discovery across the eighty-four worlds. Real testament to people working together. Gotta love churten. There’s no interval. _No_ interval. I have no _ idea _ how that works. I don’t know that sort of thing. I failed physics in undergrad, you know. Yeah. Twice.

(Crowd makes sad noises)

Aww, no, _ nusuth_, aww, guys, you _ guys_. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just became a comedian instead, and not a very good one, so now it’s _ your _ problem.

What I do know about is this:_ I hate travel. _ It’s atrocious. A couple weeks back, when I was on Terra, I was visiting different cities on Terra which were really far apart, and I got to go on one of their airplanes. Those things are a _ relic_. I thought they only kept them around for like, historical reasons, like those little re-enactor villages where people dress up for fun, but apparently some people do still use airplanes _ completely unironically. _ And it’s like, _ why? WHY? _ The air in there is so musty! It's re-circulated.And they don’t like, warm it or anything. The temperature was fine for me, _ obviously_, but the Terran passengers were all huddled up, buttoning up their coats, teeth chattering, all that. Molly, my stage manager, is Terran, and she pulled out a pair of gloves out of her backpack. _She_ came _ prepared_. She knew! She knew that they took the miracle of air travel and just made it miserable! For fun, I guess!

Personally, though, I had a lovely time on the airplane. Even though, you know, it’s _inherently_ _terrifying to be on an airplane. _Even if you’re used to them_._ Molly’s used to them and, again, came prepared, because she’s absolutely _petrified _of air travel. She had this pack of allergy medicine. You know, the sort that helps you deal with allergens by _very nearly knocking you unconscious._ So we split it half and half. 

It was great. I was up there, feeling like I was on a cloud, and also was literally _in_ a cloud at the same time, which _probably _was interesting? Don’t remember very much, for obvious reasons! But I do recall the food _sucked_ and I could _still tell _that the food sucked, even though I was a little high—a little bit completely off my tits on off-label antihistamines, like I’m never going to sneeze again, ever, in my life—and I could _not tell_ _what the food was supposed to be_. 

Also, on that flight, they were out of ginger ale.

I know, right? Which was horrid. Infuriating. Unconscionable! I only visited Terra for the ginger ale, you know. I think that’s their real contribution to the Ekumen. I’ve got this whole theory about real contributions, but first, ginger ale.

So I put this six-pack of ginger ale in my carry-on bag, and they, the priests of T'sah, took it away at airport security. _ I _ have no idea why. _ They _ had no idea why. It’s like, an ancient superstition or something. “Liquid on airplanes is bad luck,” they said. “It’s just always been. We don’t know why, but we don’t want to risk it!” 

To me, this sounds like (spooky voice) _maybe there’s evil spirits in the stratosphere, who will try to get into the plane, and steal your liquids if they’re more than three ounces exactly! Now step through this archway because metals are bad luck too! And we don’t trust you! _

Now, look, I don’t begrudge people for being religious. I was raised Handdara, so I’m a _ strict _agnostic, but I can still respect other people’s deals, spiritually. You have to respect! We’re all on rocks floating in the void of space far away...together. 

_ I just don’t get why my shoes and belt have to go through a separate archway than I do. _

Anyway, yeah, Terra’s real contribution to the Ekumen of eighty-four worlds, as I was saying, is ginger ale. It just is. Urras and Annares _ think _ theirs is the ansible and, okay, instant communication across light-year distances? It's neat enough, yeah, but like, ansible, shmansible, have you _ heard _ their pop music? It’s really good! It’s excellent stuff. And Rokanan! Rokanan thinks they’re hot shit for mindspeech, but they have this, this um, cold soup that I really liked. Think, like, Terran _ gazpacho_, but better. Sorry all my references are Terran tonight, like I said, I’ve just been there. Ahem. Yours, Ollul, your real contribution, is your wonderful people.

(Crowd goes,_ aww _)

No, hah, I say that on every planet. This is the eighty-third planet I’ve said this on. 

Your real contribution is the concept that grad students eat free wherever they go. Love that for you. That was a very good idea. Personally, I think that’s very sexy of you. I mean, well, next week I’ll think it’s very sexy. Currently, I just think that “sexy" is a fun word to say out loud. It’s got good consonants. Also? Love your public parks. 

(Into the microphone, as an aside.) Okay. Real talk? The instant I get off your planet? I’m going to tell everyone your real contribution is actually the kind of velcro that doesn’t collect lint. Cool? Cool. Thank you for that.

(Normal voice) So... _ Gethen. _ I’m from Gethen. I think I’ve made that pretty unambiguous. So you’re probably asking, well, what’s Gethen’s real contribution?

Well, I’m going to pretend you asked. 

So here’s what it’s not. It’s _ not _ our incredibly advanced battery-powered technology. It’s _not _ foretelling. You know, they tell you in school that, historically, it _ was _ foretelling, but it’s _ not_. It’s _ really _ not. I don’t know why other planets are so interested in foretelling. _ None _ of the questions are answerable, except the ones that are, and then those like, _ never_, have useful answers. Well, hardly ever. But still! The unexpected is what makes life worth living. Along with ginger ale, Cetian folk-pop, and lint-free velcro.

So here’s my take. I think Gethen’s real contribution is Gethenian twitter. On all the other eighty-three worlds, twitter sucks. On Gethen...

Twitter sucks. 

But! _But_, it’s a _little_ _bit_ better. I’ll tell you why.

Ooh! Side note first: So, we don’t have any birds on Gethen, because of the non-native species import act, or whatever.

(Crowd groans)

Ok, what? You’re like: “Yeah! That’s right! Fuck ecosystems. I hate animals and plants. Possibly also fungi, nasty little bastards.” That’s what you sound like.

(Fake disappointment) You people…

(Laughter)

Just kidding, you’re a great crowd.

Anyway, I’d seen like, pictures of birds at school during the interplanetary unit of bio class, but I’d never seen one _ live_. First planet I saw a bird on, these were my two first thoughts: One, holy crap! What _is _that _ thing _ ??? A bird! It’s so little! I thought it would be like, knee-height. I mean, some of them are knee-height but what I was seeing was, I think, a sparrow? Some sort of city-dwelling bird. Anyway. It was trying to steal the cheese from my sandwich. I’m lactose intolerant, so like, _ nusuth, _you know. It’s, uh, don’t worry about it. So I let it have my cheese, why not?

The second thought was this: Oho! That’s what the twitter logo creature is supposed to be! I’m in the presence of something famous.

Didn’t get an autograph, though, because sparrows can’t read. 

Not a sentient species. Tragedy, that.

Anyway, Gethenian twitter. So first, look, I’m gonna be real with you, we have problems in our society. Everyone has problems in their society. Even online. Especially online. 

Some of the problems you folks have, though, we _ don’t_.

Gethenian twitter is—it’s still not _ good, _ yeah? _ Still has _ nationalist weirdos on it that don’t always go away when you report them to staff. So that’s a problem! There’s also like, a corner of like, 13th-day Yomeshta twitter, who’re like, trying to get you to join their religion. Yeah, so, I tend to block them both.

But, um, guys, we don’t have mansplaining, guys. They have that on most of the other worlds—not on Seggri, which has woman-splaining instead, but that’s not an improvement—and I’m like, (whispers) what is _ up _ with _ you? What is up with you guys? _

NONE of your _ shifs _ are _ grethored! _ None of them!

On Gethen, we don’t have men, and we don’t explain _ shit_. 

We just assume people are smart enough to get what they're talking about. We don't come in and go, "well, actually." And we also operate on the assumption that people know what _we’re_ talking about. If they don’t _ and ask _ to waive _shifgrethor_, _ then _ we explain. _ If _ they ask. 

And sometimes we _ don’t _ explain! If we don’t feel like it! It’s uh, it’s a great system! 

God. _Shifgretheor_. Okay. So, the biggest, biggest culture shock, I think, on my tour of the eighty-four worlds was just, people giving me advice willy-nilly. I mean, I _ knew _ it would happen, I’ve done my readings, but it was still _ so _weird_. _ I said to my stage manager, Molly, “Molly, do these people think I’m a _ child? _ Some kind of... unaccompanied shadowless minor... somehow wandering the eighty-four worlds alone? In two years, I'm gonna be _thirty_. Do I have some sort of baby-face syndrome-disease? Pretty sure I don’t!” 

And she said, “oh, they’re just being friendly.” 

(Strained whisper) _ FRIENDLY. Friendly unsolicited advice! Friendly? _

(Normal voice) Okay. Okay. And then I got used to it and it was, like, it was _ fine. _

Um, yeah, so: Second great thing about Gethenian twitter: you can always, always scroll it in public. You know what calmed me down when I was on that train on Urras having like, an entire conniption because it was going at four hundred—_ four fucking hundred _ miles an hour? What calmed me down _ wasn’t _ something soothing. Oho, no. It was something that gave me the equal but opposite emotion of—you know the emoji that’s just the big eyes, the one that’s looking at something like “OH. _ MY god. _ WHAT is going on?”—the equal but opposite emotion of _ absolute _ bewilderment. Anyway, on the seat in front of mine, scrolling their phone, there was this Cetian person, I thiiink a woman? Not sure. I can’t keep track of all this stuff and gender. I try, but I don’t know. I don’t know this person personally, so I dunno. Who are the ones who shave their heads bald?

(Assorted answers from the crowd)

Wow! So that got a bunch of different answers, huh? Hey, I’m from Gethen, what’s your excuse?

No, I try, I try. I know what it’s like. 

Anyway, they were calmly scrolling their feed, and I should emphasize, _ in public_, when they came across this _ image_. Not a photograph. Like, some art that someone had drawn, of this, uh, this person who was supposed to be a person but also a wolf? at the same time? Or some kind of canid, like a very bara canid, who was also tied up a bit, but not in, like, an _ unkind _ way. 

And so I casually see this over the person’s shoulder on their phone and I think nothing of it. I don’t know what it “means,” but there’s a lot of art I don’t “understand,” and that’s fine. We're not all scholars.

Oh, hang on, this joke doesn't work on Ollul. You guys actually _are_ all scholars. Big respect!

So I’m there behind this person on the train and, well, first of all, I’m thinking, it’s none of my business anyway to look at other people’s phones, and then I’m also thinking, _yeah, t__hey’re probably going to scroll past it_—but no! This person on the train clicks! on the picture! in order to get a better view of it.

It is noon. On a train. Closely packed. Full! of! people! And wolf person, the illustrated wolf person’s whole asshole is out!

And the train person in front of me..._retweets _ it.

WHat? WHAT? _ What? _

Train person! You’re far stronger than I! You’re just in kemmer—full-on goddamn kemmer—on a train, absolutely silent, not breaking _ one _ single sweat. Awe-inspiring. Frightening. Celibates at the fastnesses train for _ years _ for this kind of restraint. But not you, horny person on the train, not you. With no training, you have surpassed them all.

(Solemn voice) And I, humble Remy from Siuwensin, have lived to see this!

And I, hmm, I have _ mixed feelings _ about having lived to see this.

So Gethenian twitter doesn’t have the concept of “horny on main.” Because five-sixths of the time, as individuals, there's no "horny." Fresh out of it. (Imitating the persona of a shopkeeper:) There's an order coming in next month, it'll be in stock, briefly, for two to five days. (Normal voice again:) Then _boom_, again, _fresh out of it_. It's just easier that way! Except when it's not. Bit of a trade-off, eh? And there’s a specific, _clearly delineated,_ place to be horny in, and it’s not on main. And you can’t take your phone into the kemmerhouse. I mean, it’s not like you’re not _ allowed _ to, it’s just the _ humidity _ in there is—it’s, uh, it’s... OOF! It’s humid, all right. There’s like a pool in the middle of most of them? and a sauna? and everybody’s sweaty, and you KNOW that’s going to mess up the battery, and you’re going to have to put your phone in a tupperware full of _ kadik _ grains for two days afterwards, and it’s _ just not worth it! _No! You leave that damn thing at the door if you know what’s good for you.

(Suddenly, they start patting their pocket, as if their phone were ringing.)

Oop, hang on. I’m getting a call from my friend from home. Sorry, folks. This is my favourite friend; I have to take this call.

(They pretend to answer the phone.)

(Into phone:) Hello? 

Aww, I miss you too!

I also wish you were here, but I’m on stage right now, I gotta—

Wearing? Wh–? Well, I’ve got on this shirt with like, a pattern on it, there’s a fruit that I’m reliably informed is a _ pineapple, _I’ll tell you more about it when I—

_ Huh? _

Hey, wait a minute..._ Wait a minute _...

(Firmly:) Okay. (Clears throat.) I’m going to have to call you back later. Yeah. Yeah. Nope! Goodbye.

(They pretend to hang up. Then they sigh with a hand on their forehead.)

(Mock-Maudlin voice:) Sad news, folks, sad, sad news. Oh, my heart is heavy. I cannot bear it.

Three words: Waterproof phone _case_. Gethenian twitter? Is _fucking_ _ruined_. 

Oh, Ollul, what are we going to _ do? _ We’ve got _ nothing _ for the Ekumen now.

(Brightening:) Unless..._unless… _

Ahem. So. Here’s what I’ll do. You folks liked my show, right?

(Crowd goes, yeah)

Even though I’m just opening for another act?

(Crowd goes, yeah)

Yeah? Wow! Thank you!

In that case,

(Loudly) _ WILL YOU LET US CLAIM CREDIT FOR LINT-FREE VELCRO? _

(Crowd cheers)

Thank you, Ollul, you’ve been lovely! Good night!

**Author's Note:**

> (Deleted scene, backstage, before the show)
> 
> Remy: Ollllulllll. Is that right?
> 
> Stage Manager Molly: Yeah.
> 
> Remy: Olllllulllll. Ollllllulll? Ollul. Bastard of a consonant, the L. I just want to make sure I get it right, on their planet.
> 
> Molly: It’s perfect. Don’t sweat it.
> 
> Remy: Olllllllllulllllll.
> 
> Molly: Okay, you’re on in like, two minutes.
> 
> Remy: Ollllllulllll. Hey, this is just like that Ancient Greek cineplay you showed me.
> 
> Molly: Huh? Oh, you mean My Fair Lady?
> 
> Remy: Yeah! It was Ancient Greek, right?
> 
> Molly: I think so? I’d have to check. I feel like all theatre from before the 3000s is either Ancient Greek or Noh, though, so like, probably.
> 
> Remy: Hey. Hey Molly. What if instead of doing my bit, I just do a one-actor show of My Fair Lady?
> 
> Molly: Babe, that’s like a two hour show and you have twenty-five minutes.
> 
> Remy: I can do it faster. I can cut out a whole third. Wanna know how?
> 
> Molly: Oh my goddd, Remy.
> 
> Remy: Wanna know how?
> 
> Molly: I think I know how.
> 
> Remy: Yeah?
> 
> Molly: Yeah.
> 
> Remy: See, with me, it would only be “My Fair.”
> 
> Molly: (snorts) Oh my goddd. Just get on stage, yeah? Just like, go on the stage. And break both legs.
> 
> Remy: Okay, thanks! Catch ya later.


End file.
